Cowboy suit I am literally spewing stomach contents over all the shame that I feel. I have been feeling ashamed for as long as I can remember. Some things I should be ashamed of. But there are many things I never have been able to deal with. I ran away, most everytime; ran from the feelings of anger, fear, and those really nasty feelings of not measuring up in the eyes of my onlookers.

I tend to categorize my sins. I have two, maybe three categories.

ONE: Cool sins.

TWO: Sins that are not cool, but not bad enough to hide from everyone.

THREE: Shame Sins, that I can barely admit to myself and tend to rationalize, stuff or ignore.

Cool sins are cool (to me), stuff like fighting, driving too fast, spouting off to someone who deserved it (in a hero, super witty, high brow sort of way), or other cool in a worldly sort of way sins, drinking a little too much or occasionally cussing (don't deny it cuss words can be really funny sometimes). Cool sins are almost so cool you can brag about them.

The second category is a little more tricky. I don't think they are cool (maybe because the groups that I am in wouldn't), and I am a little more embarrassed of them. Some examples might be: not giving the extra change back when the cashier made a mistake, giving someone the bird, driving like a lunatic (this one can swing to ONE sometimes). Or various other generally unacceptable moral things. Stuff I wouldn't readily admit or brag about.

The final group is stuff that I don't want anyone on the planet to know about. Porn, utterly failing at my finances, filthy language, dirty jokes, failing as a husband, jealousy, being generally inconsistent at keeping jobs. These sins are off limits (til now I suppose), I would not allow my wife to reveal them, and would get really embarrassed and angry when she (who is less guarded) would do so. These sins say, I am not a man, I am a failure as a man. So I hide them fervently, frantically.

Adam hid. Eve hid.

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As Cain grew up, he probably had trouble being a 'good' kid. He probably knew what he was doing was wrong. He probably felt ashamed, then envious. Never dealt with it. God came around and asked what was up:

6 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?

God even gave Cain advice, tried to warn him where he was headed:

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." -God

In his depraved state of mind, Cain projected all his anger and jealousy onto Abel and killed him; when all he really had to do is go to God and face his shame and his failure and 'do what is right'.















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I realized a couple of days ago in the midst of a crisis that God is not answering my prayers.

I asked God to give me a job that paid well. I fully invested myself into this endeavor. Failed.
I asked God to give me a job, period. He did. Then, I fantasized that God would make that job become the job that paid well. That job (a temporary) ended. I failed. Then, I figured, if I keep at it, and ask my friends to pray, God will give me my dream job (that pays really, really well). He didn't. I failed.

So, I wondered, what the heck! 'Have I done something wrong?', then I thought, 'what haven't I done wrong in the past'. Progressing, I thought, 'I'm really not that bad, I've been repentant, and faithful in a lot of things too and there are plenty of other things that are going on that make me think I am in the will of God right now.' Finally, after the crisis hit, I realized that God is saying "not that way... follow me over here".

My inclination (logical thinking by the way) was that if I made more money, all my financial problems would be solved. But, in the back of my mind I knew and know that this is not true, because I have made more money and had less bills and debt, and still did not do what was right. So, finally, after running away, i.e. never answering the 'unavailable' phone calls, setting bills aside without opening them, paying bills once every two-three months, acting as if everything were fine; I just admitted that something was really wrong and it had nothing to do with how much money was coming every week.

Another revelation hit me at the same time. There was a reason that I avoided problems and it was the same reason I got into financial trouble in the first place, and it was the same reason that I could never heal. I was ashamed in a way that was really dysfunctional and debilitating. I worried (despite medication) what everyone thought of the car I drove, the way I dressed, the job I had, my education, my mind in general, the way I sung, my bad teeth, my dad not being around, my mom (embarrassing me as a teenager), my disposition, my looks, my hair, my lips, my feet. Friken EVERYTHING made me worry or ashamed.

My motivations, movements, words, everything is affected by this shame. I walk a certain way, talk a certain way, manipulate my situations, in order to not feel shame, to feel ok, loved, wanted, cool.

Cain probably felt very similar, but didn't realize it until it was too late. That's why he took his offering. It fell short. Failed. Didn't come from the heart.

The other day my son told me that he wanted some more shoes. In fact, a certain kind of shoe. An expensive shoe. So I says to him, 'you got to save your $$'. He says 'I don't have any money, I don't get an allowance'. I says, 'well, we will see, take an envelope and put what you have in it and just start somewhere.' He took the money he had from Christmas, about $3.50 and put it in an envelope marked "etnies $50.00". Faith of a child.



Over the next few days, the money in the envelop grows. Some change found in the laundry, parents adding change here or there. Works for some money from uncle David. 3 days later (literally) he has like $13.00 in there!!

God seems to be telling me that insurmountable problems have solutions. First of all, the solution is to attack the problem at its root (mine being shame). Then, faithfully begin somewhere. God is saying:

'I won't gloss over the real problem and give you an extra load of cash because, without fixing the real problem, you would feel worse having blown that too.' But I can take .25 in faith and pay off all your bills insurmountable or not.'

So that is what I am doing. That is why I am writing this, exposing my ugly of uglies. Shame or not, I am hanging it all out there. I told all this to my wife first (just so you know where my loyalties lie). She appreciated my vulnerability (something I never would have guessed).

Anyway, one halloween in 6th grade my teacher (Mr. B-something), observed me behaving badly, acting out of control. I was in a cowboy suit.



Mr B-something, pushed me, physically, up against the lockers in front of everyone and told me to settle down. It was at that point that I remembered that I was in a cowboy suit, and that I had been a cowboy pretty much every year for most of grade school. Then a terrible feeling of shame washed over me, from hat to boots. I remember how ridiculous I felt, being yelled at, in my cowboy suit. I have never gotten over that feeling, never dealt with it. I still feel ridiculous and ashamed, I still get that cowboy suit feeling sometimes.

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