Thursday, February 02, 2006
TRASH
There is this idea that we become what we expose ourselves to.
This takes time.
What complicates the best of intentions is that we have all this trash that keeps coming up. It's like maintaining a bunch of old hefty bags full of reeking, putrid refuse in our heart. Have you ever drove past a waste dump?
So God seems to be saying, "look, bring it all to me and I will clean out your trash". But where and when? Many times I find myself wanting Heaven right now!! I want everything to 'feel' right. I want all my trash and the result of it, the grime, the smell, the goo, the feel, all gone. Forever. But some things I put there by choice.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I filled my life with a bunch of trash. It takes time to really be changed by all the bad stuff that you do. That is why it is so tricky. One day you realize that you don't like yourself anymore. That the person you have become is utterly destructive and horrible. But by then its too late. Things seen have been branded on the brain. Things done have been recorded in your heart. The 'bills' start rolling in. Now you have to pay. And 'you' has changed.
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When I was four, something happened to set this whole thing in motion. A little girl, innocently, pointed out that I had no dad. This was true, in a sense, because she had never seen my dad who lived in another town. My mom was single and it was just me and her. My dad came around once in a while and took me for birthdays and holidays, but was generally inconsistent all of my life.
My response to her pointing out that I obviously did not have a dad was to argue, "Yes I do!" But at that moment in time, it dawned on me that my life was completely different than anyone that I knew. Everyone else had two parents who lived with them. All my friends had dads. Then I realized that what she was saying had some truth to it. I believe this was my first really deeply painful public moment. Shame. Crying, inconsolably my mother and my friends mom asked me what what going on and we told them. 'Of course you have a dad' was the reply. And then they went on to try to explain to two children what the situation was.
I was ashamed of who I was. Wanted to make an impact, wanted to be somebody else. Cowboy suit. But I'm ready to take the Cowboy suit off and exchange it... ¶ 3:26 AM
There is this idea that we become what we expose ourselves to.
This takes time.
What complicates the best of intentions is that we have all this trash that keeps coming up. It's like maintaining a bunch of old hefty bags full of reeking, putrid refuse in our heart. Have you ever drove past a waste dump?
So God seems to be saying, "look, bring it all to me and I will clean out your trash". But where and when? Many times I find myself wanting Heaven right now!! I want everything to 'feel' right. I want all my trash and the result of it, the grime, the smell, the goo, the feel, all gone. Forever. But some things I put there by choice.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I filled my life with a bunch of trash. It takes time to really be changed by all the bad stuff that you do. That is why it is so tricky. One day you realize that you don't like yourself anymore. That the person you have become is utterly destructive and horrible. But by then its too late. Things seen have been branded on the brain. Things done have been recorded in your heart. The 'bills' start rolling in. Now you have to pay. And 'you' has changed.
--------------------------------------------
When I was four, something happened to set this whole thing in motion. A little girl, innocently, pointed out that I had no dad. This was true, in a sense, because she had never seen my dad who lived in another town. My mom was single and it was just me and her. My dad came around once in a while and took me for birthdays and holidays, but was generally inconsistent all of my life.
My response to her pointing out that I obviously did not have a dad was to argue, "Yes I do!" But at that moment in time, it dawned on me that my life was completely different than anyone that I knew. Everyone else had two parents who lived with them. All my friends had dads. Then I realized that what she was saying had some truth to it. I believe this was my first really deeply painful public moment. Shame. Crying, inconsolably my mother and my friends mom asked me what what going on and we told them. 'Of course you have a dad' was the reply. And then they went on to try to explain to two children what the situation was.
I was ashamed of who I was. Wanted to make an impact, wanted to be somebody else. Cowboy suit. But I'm ready to take the Cowboy suit off and exchange it... ¶ 3:26 AM
