Hope

Confession is a step.

One crucial step toward healing. Sometimes we need to spit it out of our mouths to be rid of it, the refuse, the costume parties, the shame.






As I stepped out relatively boldly, the healing began, I could feel it tugging at someplace deep within. Like the moment before a realization, the feeling of someone tugging at your coat before you give them your attention. Faintly annoying at first, yet sweet as the realization overtakes you that the person demanding your attention is your son, who has something immensely important to tell you, like, "I poop Daddy". God can handle our junk.










The joy of knowing He is there. You are not alone and maybe you never were. I finally figured it out. Me, the real me, "I", was built a certain way, all of what has happened to me has also helped to create me. Ups and downs, terrible, wretched decisions along with teeny-tiny seemingly inconsequential mistakes. All of it, all of them (in my life) have made me who I am today, whether they know it or like it. Here I am standing in Christ; nothing more will satisfy, nothing less will do. His allowance of my decisions and my sufferings were perfectly drawn, one less occurrence and I may not be who I am and that would be a shame.

His Love, His discipline, His never leaving my journey:

Process is journey,
sometimes painful, sometimes rest,
sometimes regretful, sometimes caress
Occasionally distant,
occasional warmth
Sporadic infrequence, yet frequently not
Incessant pursual LOVED; NEVER FORGOT




















Jesus:

"You Are My Hope"

Times are hard
Times have changed
Don't you say
But I keep holding on to you
It's hard to keep the faith alive day to day
Leaning on the strength I've found in you
You're the hope of all the Earth



You are my hope
You are my strength
You're everything Everything I need
You are my hope
You are my life
You are my hope
You are my hope

Far beyond what I can see or comprehend
Etching your eternity in me
Nations stream and angels sing, "Jesus reigns"
And every knee bows down
You're the hope of all the Earth

You are my hope
You are my strength
You're everything Everything I need
You are my hope You are my life
You are my hope
You are my hope

Carry on and I sing of how
You love and I love you now
All the times that I start to sink
You come and you rescue me
You are my hope
You are my hope - Skillet

One powerful cheezy way to end a post called "shame" -No apologies.   ¶ 8:25 PM 2 comments

  The Nothing

















A chasing of the wind.

Meaningless, meaningless..as the Nihilist says.

Yes the Nihilist steals from Ecclesiastes yet refuses to follow it to its end...That end?

Everything is meaningless in light of the surpassing glory of God.

Ecclesiastes 12:2"here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man."

and as always we need reminding (and that need is human) the commandments are:

Love God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind. '... 'And you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

which leads to...

I Cor. 59

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; 10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. 11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. 12For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church?


I want them to whisper among themselves: "HE'S DINING WITH LIBERALS!!!"  ¶ 8:22 PM 0 comments

  TRASH
There is this idea that we become what we expose ourselves to.

This takes time.

What complicates the best of intentions is that we have all this trash that keeps coming up. It's like maintaining a bunch of old hefty bags full of reeking, putrid refuse in our heart. Have you ever drove past a waste dump?

So God seems to be saying, "look, bring it all to me and I will clean out your trash". But where and when? Many times I find myself wanting Heaven right now!! I want everything to 'feel' right. I want all my trash and the result of it, the grime, the smell, the goo, the feel, all gone. Forever. But some things I put there by choice.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I filled my life with a bunch of trash. It takes time to really be changed by all the bad stuff that you do. That is why it is so tricky. One day you realize that you don't like yourself anymore. That the person you have become is utterly destructive and horrible. But by then its too late. Things seen have been branded on the brain. Things done have been recorded in your heart. The 'bills' start rolling in. Now you have to pay. And 'you' has changed.

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When I was four, something happened to set this whole thing in motion. A little girl, innocently, pointed out that I had no dad. This was true, in a sense, because she had never seen my dad who lived in another town. My mom was single and it was just me and her. My dad came around once in a while and took me for birthdays and holidays, but was generally inconsistent all of my life.

My response to her pointing out that I obviously did not have a dad was to argue, "Yes I do!" But at that moment in time, it dawned on me that my life was completely different than anyone that I knew. Everyone else had two parents who lived with them. All my friends had dads. Then I realized that what she was saying had some truth to it. I believe this was my first really deeply painful public moment. Shame. Crying, inconsolably my mother and my friends mom asked me what what going on and we told them. 'Of course you have a dad' was the reply. And then they went on to try to explain to two children what the situation was.

I was ashamed of who I was. Wanted to make an impact, wanted to be somebody else. Cowboy suit. But I'm ready to take the Cowboy suit off and exchange it...  ¶ 3:26 AM 0 comments

  PITY

So let me share with you a situation. I am sitting in what feels like a demon stronghold, like Frank Peretti's "This present darkness". It feels 'dark' and my soul feels suppressed by some unseen things. I am at work. It's a place that highly values spiritual things, but not in the way that Christians do. They admit that religion is very important and the spirit is undeniably a part of all of us and should, no, must be taken care of. The way that we interact with the cosmos and the psyche; the dance of the body-soul-rhythm; the tearing down of the patriarchal father etc..


In this place there sits to my back a woman. She is aged (gracefully). She is having surgery at the end of the week. She cries, everyday, but I can't understand why. Surgery is not a big deal to me, even though I am thick regarding these sorts of situations, I know that my response would be 'If God wants me home, so be it. If He needs me to live on for a while, oh well, I'll make the best of it.'

The utter hopelessness coming from her is really scary to me. She has no family, only a 'boyfriend'. When we met for the first time, she bowed to me, hands together, in tradition of an eastern religion that escapes me (maybe taoism). She is softspoken, yet I have heard the 'f-word' come out of her (I was standing behind the door as she walked into the room, she apologized). Her eyes show a life of being beaten down, oppressed, abused.

I would tell her so many things yet, somehow, I wonder what good it would do. If I say that I will pray for her, that means nothing particularly 'Christian' anymore. If I tell her that my God knows her and will be watching over her, I wonder if that may be a lie. So, for now, I hug her and tell her that it is good to cry because it releases chemicals that reduce stress. I tell her that I go to church, and that I believe in helping the oppressed.

I wonder if she feels the compassion I have for her, or is it pity? Because I think, maybe, if it was compassion I would offer her rest. If compassion, a Savior. Compassion, Jesus. See, Pity is simply feeling sorry for someone. Compassion is doing something about it.  ¶ 3:18 AM 0 comments

  Cowboy suit I am literally spewing stomach contents over all the shame that I feel. I have been feeling ashamed for as long as I can remember. Some things I should be ashamed of. But there are many things I never have been able to deal with. I ran away, most everytime; ran from the feelings of anger, fear, and those really nasty feelings of not measuring up in the eyes of my onlookers.

I tend to categorize my sins. I have two, maybe three categories.

ONE: Cool sins.

TWO: Sins that are not cool, but not bad enough to hide from everyone.

THREE: Shame Sins, that I can barely admit to myself and tend to rationalize, stuff or ignore.

Cool sins are cool (to me), stuff like fighting, driving too fast, spouting off to someone who deserved it (in a hero, super witty, high brow sort of way), or other cool in a worldly sort of way sins, drinking a little too much or occasionally cussing (don't deny it cuss words can be really funny sometimes). Cool sins are almost so cool you can brag about them.

The second category is a little more tricky. I don't think they are cool (maybe because the groups that I am in wouldn't), and I am a little more embarrassed of them. Some examples might be: not giving the extra change back when the cashier made a mistake, giving someone the bird, driving like a lunatic (this one can swing to ONE sometimes). Or various other generally unacceptable moral things. Stuff I wouldn't readily admit or brag about.

The final group is stuff that I don't want anyone on the planet to know about. Porn, utterly failing at my finances, filthy language, dirty jokes, failing as a husband, jealousy, being generally inconsistent at keeping jobs. These sins are off limits (til now I suppose), I would not allow my wife to reveal them, and would get really embarrassed and angry when she (who is less guarded) would do so. These sins say, I am not a man, I am a failure as a man. So I hide them fervently, frantically.

Adam hid. Eve hid.

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As Cain grew up, he probably had trouble being a 'good' kid. He probably knew what he was doing was wrong. He probably felt ashamed, then envious. Never dealt with it. God came around and asked what was up:

6 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?

God even gave Cain advice, tried to warn him where he was headed:

"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." -God

In his depraved state of mind, Cain projected all his anger and jealousy onto Abel and killed him; when all he really had to do is go to God and face his shame and his failure and 'do what is right'.















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I realized a couple of days ago in the midst of a crisis that God is not answering my prayers.

I asked God to give me a job that paid well. I fully invested myself into this endeavor. Failed.
I asked God to give me a job, period. He did. Then, I fantasized that God would make that job become the job that paid well. That job (a temporary) ended. I failed. Then, I figured, if I keep at it, and ask my friends to pray, God will give me my dream job (that pays really, really well). He didn't. I failed.

So, I wondered, what the heck! 'Have I done something wrong?', then I thought, 'what haven't I done wrong in the past'. Progressing, I thought, 'I'm really not that bad, I've been repentant, and faithful in a lot of things too and there are plenty of other things that are going on that make me think I am in the will of God right now.' Finally, after the crisis hit, I realized that God is saying "not that way... follow me over here".

My inclination (logical thinking by the way) was that if I made more money, all my financial problems would be solved. But, in the back of my mind I knew and know that this is not true, because I have made more money and had less bills and debt, and still did not do what was right. So, finally, after running away, i.e. never answering the 'unavailable' phone calls, setting bills aside without opening them, paying bills once every two-three months, acting as if everything were fine; I just admitted that something was really wrong and it had nothing to do with how much money was coming every week.

Another revelation hit me at the same time. There was a reason that I avoided problems and it was the same reason I got into financial trouble in the first place, and it was the same reason that I could never heal. I was ashamed in a way that was really dysfunctional and debilitating. I worried (despite medication) what everyone thought of the car I drove, the way I dressed, the job I had, my education, my mind in general, the way I sung, my bad teeth, my dad not being around, my mom (embarrassing me as a teenager), my disposition, my looks, my hair, my lips, my feet. Friken EVERYTHING made me worry or ashamed.

My motivations, movements, words, everything is affected by this shame. I walk a certain way, talk a certain way, manipulate my situations, in order to not feel shame, to feel ok, loved, wanted, cool.

Cain probably felt very similar, but didn't realize it until it was too late. That's why he took his offering. It fell short. Failed. Didn't come from the heart.

The other day my son told me that he wanted some more shoes. In fact, a certain kind of shoe. An expensive shoe. So I says to him, 'you got to save your $$'. He says 'I don't have any money, I don't get an allowance'. I says, 'well, we will see, take an envelope and put what you have in it and just start somewhere.' He took the money he had from Christmas, about $3.50 and put it in an envelope marked "etnies $50.00". Faith of a child.



Over the next few days, the money in the envelop grows. Some change found in the laundry, parents adding change here or there. Works for some money from uncle David. 3 days later (literally) he has like $13.00 in there!!

God seems to be telling me that insurmountable problems have solutions. First of all, the solution is to attack the problem at its root (mine being shame). Then, faithfully begin somewhere. God is saying:

'I won't gloss over the real problem and give you an extra load of cash because, without fixing the real problem, you would feel worse having blown that too.' But I can take .25 in faith and pay off all your bills insurmountable or not.'

So that is what I am doing. That is why I am writing this, exposing my ugly of uglies. Shame or not, I am hanging it all out there. I told all this to my wife first (just so you know where my loyalties lie). She appreciated my vulnerability (something I never would have guessed).

Anyway, one halloween in 6th grade my teacher (Mr. B-something), observed me behaving badly, acting out of control. I was in a cowboy suit.



Mr B-something, pushed me, physically, up against the lockers in front of everyone and told me to settle down. It was at that point that I remembered that I was in a cowboy suit, and that I had been a cowboy pretty much every year for most of grade school. Then a terrible feeling of shame washed over me, from hat to boots. I remember how ridiculous I felt, being yelled at, in my cowboy suit. I have never gotten over that feeling, never dealt with it. I still feel ridiculous and ashamed, I still get that cowboy suit feeling sometimes.

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